Behind My Eyelids

I'm really close to well, but best not take any chances.

2011-06-27T00:38:00.000-07:00

Alhamdulillah, the doctor bagi discharge hari Friday hari tu, and ya Allah Alhamdulillah i look much better. The doctor bagi up to 8th of July to be on MC so i got a whole 2 weeks of nothing. Well not really nothing la, ada jugak kena buat keja dari umah but i'm glad that i don't need to go back to the office so soon. I thought of going back to work next week tapi i shouldn't take any chances, mentang-mentang lesion baru tutup, macam la die takleh nak open balik. Not gonna say much, but here are the before, during & after photos. Jangan terkejut cause it's horrid.

Before (ada 1 ja):

1st During (bila bangun tido & guna flash):

2nd During (after dah cuci muka with of course just water):

After:

Scary stuff huh? Would never EVER wanna go through that again. EVER EVER EVER!

Updates, updates

2011-06-21T20:29:00.000-07:00

So yeah, i decided to be admitted, well i had to be admitted cause my skin wasn't getting any better. I was admitted on Monday, 20th of June, 2011, today is my 3rd day here. I must say it has gotten really better. The 1st night in bed was torturous. I woke up around 4 in the morning to finally realize i had scratched my neck berdarah-darah dah. But last night i FINALLY had a peaceful and undisturbed sleep. Well it was disturbed: both my brothers Safwan & Shafeeq called one after another asking me whether i'm in the hospital and why i was admitted. But i fell back to sleep tanpa gangguan and the normal twisting & turning. Boleh tido terus :) The only bad thing about it is that i had to wake up. Urgghh!

So how are they treating me here? I have to be under wet wraps 24/7. How does this work?:

First : The nurses will slap like a very large amount of moisturizing cream (Aqueos + 25% Glycerin) from neck to ankle.

Second : They'll sapu this steroid cream on all the open wounds from neck to ankle.

Third : They'll sapu Fucidic cream on all the open wounds from neck to ankle.

Fourth : They'll wrap all the sapu-ed parts of my body with a wet bandage as for the 1st layer, they a dry bandage for the 2nd layer.

And that's it :) But everytime it dries up, i'll have to take the 2nd layer off, spray the 1st layer so it'd be damp again the re-pakai the 2nd layer.

For my face i'll sapukan the same moisturizing cream and i was given a separate steroid cream (less %) together with something more mild to sapu keliling mata.

So now, the open lesions on my face tak berapa visible but they're still there la sikit-sikit. My arms and legs memang ada difference and tak itchy dah though the lesions haven't closed up yet. It's my neck which is taking a little longer to improve. Macam sekarang ni pun dok rasa gatal-gatal.

The doctor said hopefully i can be discharged by Friday. InsyaAllah <3 Amin <3

Bosan, bosan, bosan.

2011-06-16T04:16:00.000-07:00

I've been on MC for over 20 days, and come Monday, will be exactly 25 days. Then comes the big decision on whether i should be admitted to HKL (3rd class ward which sucks bigtime).

Kinda sucks that now i have my personal insurance policy, i can't even use is cause it doesn't cover eczema. It's right after i agreed to have it when my eczema chose to break-out like a mad woman on a rampage. Haish. Whatcha gonna do about it kan? Just find ways to get better la. The plans? Initially i was planning to go straight for this practice called Colon Hydrotherapy where you've got to stick a tube up your asshole and have like 10 galons of water flow into your system. You can read more about it here. Quite interesting really, i'd suggest everyone to do it. Especially Malaysians with all the food we intake daily.

However, i had to take everyone's advise and as a courtesy call, take like final medical advise and since i haven't enough $$$ to go to a private and keep up with the follow-up appointments (i think kalau i did, takat skarang ni dah beribu dah), terpaksalah ke specialist dermatology di GH (HKL) and oh my god, the parking there is like suicide. But being admitted (if that's the choice i have to take this Monday) is gonna be the last straw. Bagi berparut pun i dah cukup bahagia.

P.S.: I'm watching Jamie At Home sambil-sambil and he never seizes to make me fall in love with him. Hahaha, Funny how i love to watch all these cooking shows however still not know how to cook. Penyakit Melayu la ni: MALAS.

Well once my skin is at least berparut and i'm all comfortable to leave the house during the day, i'm going to pursue 2 types of therapies (i hope):

Colon Hydrotherapy
Ozone Therapy - Ozone pulak i think it's some kinda blood cleansing process. You can read more here.

And once i pursue both, i'm planning to be well, ready & prepared for ANYTHING by year-end. So, let's just pray that nothing, NOTHING screws this for me cause 2012 has GOT TO be MY year, 28+ is when my life is gonna start. 28+ is when i'm gonna be awesome. I'm accepting 2011 as it is. At least a few god things have happened for me so far:

Meeting Rezza
Being promoted (though not loving it)
Getting a slight raise (well at least something kan?)

Let's just hope that in the next 6 months there'll be more joy and memories to treasure so i don't look back at 2011 and wish to just want to curse it. Kan?

It's like a once a year thinga-ma-jigg for me :/

2011-06-08T04:28:00.001-07:00

Gosh, again, it's like a necessity for me to wait a lifetime before i update my blog again. Kinda trendy huh?

I'm not sure what i should be updating knowing there isn't anyone actually following. Kinda like talking to a wall here. But then again for what reason should i be having followers?

A lot has happened in the period i hadn't been updating: a few break-ups with the same person, haha, the official break-up with the same mentioned person, an acceptance of a few new people in my life (there's Ava Sophea, my baby niece born on the 15th of June, 2010 (or has that already been mentioned?)

and there's Mohd. Rezza Adinata Hutagalung who i met on the 31st (or was it 30th?) of January, 2011 and who is now my official Mr. Loverboy.

But there is a but in this little relationship of ours, quite a number of buts actually. But that's for us to handle on our hour. Fate is in God's hands and i'll accept whatever He has planned out for me.

I can say i've also found myself another friend i can consider close. Dah kenal for quite awhile, tapi rapat agak baru juga, i think it has been about slightly more than a year of us being close - and it started with the below am-mature painting attempts:

What else? I've been travelling last year for work purposes. 5 countries: Thailand, Australia, Japan, Vietnam & Singapore. This year there had been rumours that i'll have to travel to Netherlands, Serbia, France, Italy and other European countries which have yet to be confirmed. It's been all fun and sounds all fun but i really don't think that this training position is for me. I mean yeah it sounds like WOW knowing that i'd get to travel to all these places tapi macam i'm not happy doing what i'm during and i'm still in the verge of searching for what's right.

Coming to my skin pula, it hasn't been treating me all that fair. Dahla asyik breaking-out, kena pulak break-out at all the wrong places - yang paling tak boleh terima is it's been breaking out on my face which put me in a lot of depression for quite a while. Lama pulak tu. Dah on MC for over 2 weeks and still continuing. But i'm trying to be optimistic and just praying that i get better in the near future. Bila dah sehat nanti i might build up the courage to post a picture of my face during the time it was in an aweful state. Like a before and after.

There are a few plans in the pipeline to ensure i maintain my health after, Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku tolongla no more outbreaks. It has got to be gone once and for all.

Make up your mind!

2010-01-17T05:55:00.000-08:00

i apologize for being a woman, having mood swings but wanting to have them around you, crying but only wanting to cry around you, being manja but only wanting to be that around you

i apologize for being annoying

i apologize for wanting you

i apologize for having you as the only one i wanna be with

i apologize for being me with you

but then, i also apologize for letting you be a man

i apologize for supporting you

i apologize for being there for you

i apologize for letting you lean on me

i apologize for letting you be comfortable with me and letting you pour out your troubles to me

i apologize for letting you be you

i apologize for laughing with you

i apologize for having makan with you

i apologize for holding your hand and letting you hold mine

i just don't know what's right anymore, i don't what's in your head, do you wanna be with me?

bile takde mood, macam taknak bercakap langsung, at least a good morning, a 'how are you?' but nothing. and when you chose to be under the same roof with me, what's it gonna be like then? we have seperate rooms when you're in a bad mood? what?

i don't understand you, you can't just wanna be with me when you wanna be with me. what happens when i wanna be with you and you're not in the mood? this is just effed up!

2010

2010-01-01T21:47:00.000-08:00

2010 To Do List:

1. SIMPAN DUIT!:

ASB
Nak Kawin!
Nak Travel!
Nak SHOPPING (clothes) bile dah kurus nanti (I'd probably only start shopping when i've went down to 50kg, at least 52kg la...leh?) - oh, shopping untuk kasut, bags, accessories, home decor masih boleh kan :P and Shit, i still need to shop for office attire...damn!

2. KURANGKAN berat badan (yeah, that's been my to do every other year yang tak penah tercapai)

3. Travel more, tak kira lah dalam ke luar negara (Baby, sile2 simpan duit juga yeee)

4. More CONCERTS! More DANCING & JUMPING! (untuk stress release and weight loss, boleh?)

5. Outdoor activities please!

The less important are:

7. Improve work relationships but avoid making friends at work.

hmmmm, there's only 1 less important.

Number 4 dah bermula masa new year hari tu. I danced to Basement Jaxx' DJ-ing for 6hours straight - it was THE best! I'll update my experiences in Singapore when i get back.

Hello Roaming!

2009-12-31T01:47:00.000-08:00

Sengal betul tak buat roaming kat phone. And even if i did have it, i wouldn't be able to call him coz he's in Thailand. I miss him like i've never missed him before and the worst thing is i don't even know if i'm still gonna be with him when we're both back in Malaysia. Oh god i HATE this feeling!

Selamat Datang ke Singapore

2009-12-30T22:51:00.000-08:00

29.12.2009

1330: Left the house ngan cab.
1415: Reached KLCC to take the Putra to KL Central
1430: Sampai KL Central untuk transit ke LCCT dengan Sky Bus
1530: Tibe ke LCCT - check in - went to Departures and found that i had excess liquids in my back pack (my kepentingans and keperluans - Cetaphil & Sebamed) and cause i didn't want to leave them - terpaksalah naik balik ke check-in untuk check-inkan bag.
1630: Lepak kat Departures - dengar lagu-lagu best dari telefon bimbitku (seriously time to get a new MP3 player - Creative Neon dah lingkup, Ipod Shuffle takleh nak masukkan lagu - absolute frustration) sambil membace:

Courtesy of: news.bbc.co.uk

(yeah yeah yeah - am 26 and baru nak baca buku Harry Potter yang ke-2). Unfortunely flight AK709 was delayed due to some delay from Langkawi and the heavy rain (flight was to be at 1700).
1830: Touch down at the Changi Airport - while queuing up for the passport checking, i saw everyone holding this card. I HAD (sebab takut nak tanya punya pasal la kan) to wait til i was 2nd in line to finally ask the person behind me whether the card was necessary - yeah, he wasn't sure (think he was Japanese or Korean). Not willing to take any chances, i got out of the queue to fill in what you called an Arrival Card. Which apparently (after reading the terms & conditions behind the card) is mandatory to be completed and provided during arrivals in Singapore (and some other countries) - oh on top of that my back pack pun dibasahi hujan while it was being loaded into the plane
1900: Re-united with one of my besties Jaclynn - hugged and took the MRT to Tampines as Jaclynn insisted to get me a pair of new shoes for that night as we were to enter one of the most high class clubs in Singapore: StereoLab.

Jaclynn (insisting to carry my heavy heavy back pack)

Me at the MRT station with 2 handbags (we had to switch)And so my 1st pair of Ballerina flats

After this point, i did not at all track the time.

So we got the shoes and went home in a rush (Pasir Ris) and freshened up a bit, took a cab to Clarke Quay and lepak-ed at this bar called Crazy Elephant - Met Jac's friends: El, Zad, Manfred, Tim & another. Of course i had to be tempted to take a ride on the slingshot, so guess what? :

Before queuing

QueuingBeing fastened

Preparing for lift offUP UP & AWAY!

We then did a little more lepak-ing, then Jac's crazy but really nice friend Zad proposed & INSISTED for us to take a ride on a TRISHAW (YES Beca ye!) to StereoLab (Me & Jac on 1, and Jac's friends Zad & Tim on another - a few others: Manfred & another took a cab - so lucky us. El didn't join as she had to go home and rest - worked the next day) which was i think a 15 - 20mins ride. Jaclynn agak malu nak arrive at the club on a beca so we stopped slightly further up to walk a little. But Zad and Tim made a grand entrance together with a few luxury cars at the main entrance. Funny.

StereoLab

Courtesy of: www.femalemag.com.sg

We danced like for 3 - 4 hours at StereoLab to Pete Tong's DJ-ing. Dah habis, they bawak me to a place they call "back to Malaysia" (KTM ye) - the Hungry ate and the Thirsty drank.

We ended the day and took a cab back to Jac's place and it actually to about 45mins to finally reach home - the roads were clear. I think we were home at about 5am - really tired, Jaclynn memang terlentang terus, i cleaned a bit before tidor.

= My 1st day in Singapore, my 1st time overseas after Scotland.

False Alarm

2009-12-17T07:00:00.000-08:00

Ok people-people...buat malu je nie....i didn't end up going to Korea for the training session...it was a net meeting instead :)...still a new experience all the same.

It'll be Astro plak this coming Tuesday.

There's so much i missed to state i do not know where to start...but i don't think i wanna start now...not so good of a mood...some other day i guess.

Good News...i think?

2009-12-01T07:42:00.000-08:00

So last week my Manager & Assistant Manager called me up to have a serious "talk". Long story short, they asked me if i was interested in taking up a trainer responsibility (without the title) coz the one responsible currently has applied elsewhere.

After all the persuasion from them and the demands from me, Alhamdulillah they've approved my demands and i've decided to stay (for now) and i think my first trip would be to Korea. Yayy.

With that done and settled with...kene start pening kepala about the move and the bills i have to settle before moving...

Paranoia

2009-11-06T06:58:00.000-08:00

Day 1

Big Boss : Hi, how are you?

Me : Fine :s

Big Boss : Where do you stay?

Me : Ampang.

Big Boss : Ampang is big...

Me : Bandar Baru Ampang.

Big Boss : Aaa, no wonder i feel as though i've seen you before..

Me : (muke pelik)

Big Boss : Coz i always hang around Ampang Point, i think that's where i've seen you before...

Me : Mmm...i don't think so. I RARELY go to Ampang Point. RARELY. I think i'm there only once in 4 months or something - only when i know i have to get something from there.

Big Boss : Aaa..then it's definately not Ampang Point. (pause). I was telling VJ how you have such a familiar face. Where did you work before this?

Me : Wisma Selangor Dredging.

Big Boss : I guess i was wrong then :)

Me : Yeah, i guess...maybe she was one of my pelanduk dua serupa people...

Innocent right?

Day 3 (there was no day 2)

Time ni dah malam dah la...some-time between 6.00PM to 8.30PM when there was hardly anyone in the office...

Big Boss : So how are you today?

Me : Fine

Big Boss : How did you come to work?

Me : Bus

Big Boss : You know if some days i work late and you're still here, i don't mind dropping you home.

Me : (i made a crooked face)

Big Boss : Yeah, coz it's on the way...you do remember where i stay don't you?

Me : (another crooked face)...no.

Big Boss : I told you where i stayed the other day, this is so sad.

Me : (urghh), you didn't.

Big Boss : Well, it's obvious you don't think of me, that's why you don't remember.

Me : (Eeewww...getting uncomfortable)...you didn't mention it.

Big Boss : i know you're purposely not remembering right?

Me : No (i wish i just said yes).

Big Boss : I stay at Bukit Antarabangsa.

Me : You didn't tell me.

Big Boss : Ok. I'll test you next time.

Not so innocent anymore...or was it?

I've had experiences with the CEO (that's fine, i don't bump into him often), i don't wanna be experiencing some what with the SM...(we're on the same floor) and it's just gross. I just hope it's nothing.

Termination

2009-10-25T08:36:00.000-07:00

First:

You retain me saying that "if you leave, you'll be leaving for an offer that's giving you about the same amount of what we are offering you currently after all the benefits (Shift allowance / PH OT)"

BULLSHIT!: Cause now all benefits are taken away leaving me with only 60% from what i'm really supposed to be taking home. You have caused me to be in more debt and i HATE you because of that.

Second:

You say that you'd try your BEST to offer an increment.

BULLSHIT!: The company ended up holding any increment for this year and i HATE you because of that.

Third:

You claim you want to practice standardization for all inbound departments, adding that we do not have enough work on our hands.

BULLSHIT!: I told you eff-ing so. Now you bring in more countries and more clients, everything can't be done in a day even after you jumping in to help (like yeah right!). We're eff-ing underpaid - doing more than other departments do, handling more than 1 client -but being paid the same as other departments are being paid. Where the eff is the standardization in that? And i HATE you because of that.

Oh God! Please show me some light and a path for me to get out of this horrid horrid place!

Feminine

2009-10-16T21:20:00.000-07:00

I've come to realize that i'm actually quite a feminine female. The only un-feminine thing about me is my appearance i guess (i'm gonna be sticking to sneakers and flip-flops for a while to come).

How i came to admit to this? Well yesterday morning, my boss nak ikut bancuh coffee before i logged in for work. So while mixing and all, this conversation came up:

Boss : Syazni, can i ask you something?

Me : Hmmm

Boss : I know we're all modern Malaysians rite? but...

(Looooonnngggg pause)

Me : Yes?

Boss : Don't you get a li'l uncomfortable when she starts talking about her boyfriends / scandals? i mean....(well she made a face)

Me : I get what you mean, but i there's nothing much that we can do. I just listen if she's suddenly in the mood to tell but i wouldn't go start asking her about anything to do with her relationships. There's only so much that we can take in.

(another long pause)

Boss : Yeah, well i think she's just trying to prove that she's one of us. Actually, she's way more feminine than us. Especially you and me, well me...you are a bit feminine.

(boring long pause, still waiting for her to finish mixing her coffee)

Me : Yeah, i am feminine. The only thing that's not feminine about me is that i like to wear sneakers and i rarely wear make-up :)

Boss : Screw anyone who says anything about sneakers, they're comfortable.

Me : Yup, i think if one day if i have to start dressing up formal to the office, i will suit up, but instead of heels or whatever other kinda shoes that your supposed to wear with formal wear, i'd end up putting on a pair of converses.

The End

A few more things you need to know:

I don't only wear my Raybans to protect my eyes from the sun, i wear them so i can look a little more ganas and unapproachable to contradict my sweet li'l kiddie face cause i don't wanna be easily approached. (i know it sound way too lame...but yeah)
I love the girlie cloths, the make-up, the shoes (if i finally find a pair that are comfy) but i'm still too scared of the world and what people say and especially the competition (to me it's like a competition on who can wear the trend best, you see one girl passing by and then you look at yourself, asking yourself if you look better or worse. And if you look worse, you end up going on a hunt for something to make you look better and this will go on and on and you'll never be satisfied / If you look better, you'll go "well i look way better than her, die tak reti bawak langsung...bla bla bla"). Well actually i don't do the mentioned but i hate the fact and thank god i'm not a trend follower.
I'm a very manja person, but only to my favourite person/people and who i'm comfortable with and i know will be comfortable with for a long long time.
I'm a typical girlie-girl, I wanna get married and be the perfect wife for my perfect husband and be all beautiful for him every single day so he knows he's got something to come home to: A beautiful wife and good home-cooked food (although i don't know how to cook now, i will soon...hehehe) and then later on beautiful children.

Yang tu je kot yang i know for now, there may be some other people that know me better than i know myself and that perceive different about me, you can believe them too :)

So there you go, that's a little to give to show that i am feminine a little if not a lot.

Welcoming myself.

2009-10-15T07:36:00.000-07:00

So here's the thing, this right here is just a platform for me (i don't really know for what) and also probably something to keep me a little more busy than i am currently. I'm not that much of a writer, a composer, a blogger (the least if not at all) but i thought of trying.

The end for now. Welcome Syazni :)